[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
You Might Also Like
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
🤣✨#caturday
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Every time my phone rings
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
This kinda thing happens to me often
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.