Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

💀💀

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.