Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you