[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
War & Peace
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat