[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?