Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Never forget.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

shazam but for random noises outside

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”