married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
You Might Also Like
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Something Saturday.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Scream sneezers need love too.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup