Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Plumber: I think I found the problem

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Kids, do not try this at home!