Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?