MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I beg you to euthanise me
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months