Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Did my cat write this

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

They say women only use 10% of their anger

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?