Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”