Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?