Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
You Might Also Like
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*