Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My plans: 2020:
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.