Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours