Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

This is true.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh