Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.