Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.