Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
You Might Also Like
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea