Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.