Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.