Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”