Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.