I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.
Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?
*pulls out pillow*
Hey white people, please stop replacing existing foods with cauliflower