Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Has there ever been a more American story?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.