@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

You Might Also Like

@lisaOoOo

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

@ThaJawn

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..

@BoucheDag2k

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

@mydmac

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

@FredTaming

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

@ThaJawn

Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’

@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

@Artemis_Ascends

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.