Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.


Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..


Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”


I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁


*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good


doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you


Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’


If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.


Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.