@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

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@RunOldMan

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

@WheelTod

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

@SJSchauer

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

@Neauxpe

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

@theDapperilla

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@DanTaylorAuthor

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

@TheSweetestD_

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

@LosLos__

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*

@nuclearpasta_

Hey white people, please stop replacing existing foods with cauliflower