Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.

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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.


Facebook post : only a heartless person could scroll pa

Me: *Scrolls Past *


The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.


Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it’s time to get groceries.


Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”


I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.


My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.


Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.


Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that