@KevinFarzad

Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.

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@Darlainky

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

@abuya_henry

Facebook post : only a heartless person could scroll pa

Me: *Scrolls Past *

@ThisOneSayz

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

@Sassafrantz

Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it’s time to get groceries.

@StupidSophia_

Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”

@TimJohnish

I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.

@TheMichaelRock

My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.

@jenhasgreathair

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

@tsm560

Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that