Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
best review i’ve ever seen
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*