Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
waiting for halloween be like:
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal