Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
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@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’ve had worse
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Happy Star Wars day!
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Good boy 😂😂
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*