Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.