Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

This is me 🤣🤣

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.