marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.