marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Woke up with morning Yule Log
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.