marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
