marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook