Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Ha
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.