Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.