Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
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wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.