Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I support this random dude and all his protests
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you