Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist