Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note