Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
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I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft