Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Sunday

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.