Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I disagree with my politics

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.