Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

My first child will be named New Folder.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

This is my favorite one of these!

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.