Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

tis the season

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.