Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.