Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

@funTweeters I am at your service….

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end, it Taurus apart.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.