Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

bugs when you lift up a rock

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?