Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.