Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
how was your vacation
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died