Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.