Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.