Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*sewing*
A thread
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Dishonest mechanic?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.