Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Well, this explains it:

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.