Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

I want what they have

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me: