Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Lmao

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean