Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd