Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.