[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
#ParentingFacts
inventing words: clothing
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.