Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

me when I see my crush

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.