Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

next level snooze

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.