Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes