Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all heroes wear capes…

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

As per my last nervous breakdown

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

This a good idea

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”