Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Wait a minute
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night