Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP