Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Go hard or stay average

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

🧠

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.