Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Who called it baking and not making love

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month