Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
My flabber has been gasted.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.