Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
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Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
This hospital has everything
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
