Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
WHY?!
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.