@kurteichenwald

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

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@Phoebetate

Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.

@JediGigi

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@thepunningman

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@Sandrahadenough

I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!

@Cpin42

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

@robdelaney

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

@NoticablyBacon

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime