Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
You Might Also Like
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that