Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.